Sweetness in Starlight

2008-12-15T16:00:00.000-06:00

I'm going to have to use my old computer... I'm not looking forward to opening it.

2008-12-08T20:47:00.004-06:00

I'm making myself miserable. I stare at cars. I look out the window. I don't eat. I roll down the windows. I hope that even if I have this opportunity again, I will do the right thing. The best thing right now is to stay away and let myself love someone else. I ruined something before because I held onto something that I knew was doomed from the beginning. Life is just a combination of decisions and results. It's getting the right combination of both that make it wonderful. I was in love, and it's ok that I still love that person, I know he still loves me, but our lives just don't go together. I know they don't. I am too good for him. And he isn't man enough for me.

2008-12-06T09:25:00.002-06:00

I dont know why you do this to yourself. Life could be so different.

Why are you so unhappy

and still doing what you do?

You could be happy so easily.

You know how....

2008-12-03T20:11:00.000-06:00

Strangely enough, I find comfort in chaos, confusion, and change.

While most people feel that finding yourself is the grounds of being able to be found by another, I find the complete opposite to be true. Finding yourself is no doubt about you, but it isn’t about only hearing your own thoughts, or making distance with others.
Although many things are left unanswered, and the stirred up dust of change hasn’t yet settled, never shut your eyes to options and opportunities that arise. Those are where the answers cluster. Realize that grasping what things you can along the way is the only means to having a grasp on anything at all.
There is no limit to change. Accepting that is accepting the beauty of life for what it is. The chaos and confusion of not being able to settle on one “set self” is in every sense, all the more relieving and comforting. It’s a search that has no end.

2008-12-03T16:01:00.000-06:00

And how long could you hang on to a word?
Tell me, how long could you hang on to a word?

I'm not the one that you want, I'll always let you down.
And I'm pretty sure that you've caught on.

i'm freakin sick.......again

2008-12-02T19:30:00.006-06:00

you are an absolute joke and a bad excuse for a human being

i feel much better now

i think i heard the hottest thing ever said just a second ago

I wanna make a supersonic woman

out of you

how flipping hot

I don't think I'm ever going to be able to paint again. Atleast not for a very long long time. I was working on these 2 pieces that go together, and I can't finish them. Its not right to. I can't even look at them. I can't open my old computer either. I know what's sitting on the desktop. Maybe this weekend. Maybe. I way too sleepy to even think about that. I should go to sleep. 
 I feel like this isn't happening....like everything is still how it was, even though it was like that for such a short period of time....it seems like it always was. 
The best part of goodbye is letting go.

2008-11-30T22:24:00.003-06:00

i think i'm going to write a book

i have a lot to say

2008-11-29T15:47:00.002-06:00

I have made a terrible mistake. I know that. But I guess it's just the selfish human part of me and the gullible trusting part of me that was ok with the situation. Nothing more. I did not intend to ruin anyone's life or become someone that you wouldn't mind seeing dead. I listened to what a person had to say to me and I told them what I thought. It just happened to be something as important as love. maybe it wasn't love at all. Maybe it was just an escape for both of us. Maybe it was just a reason to leave everything behind and live for 5 years ago. But the last thing I need in my life is for you to pretend you know anything about me or to sit there and judge me. My life is my own, not for you to say oh she should have done that or she shouldn't have said that. Whatever happened is over and done with. Just remember there were two people involved and just because you don't know me, doesn't make me more responsible for what happened over the other person. All that needs to be known about anything is its over. Period. So please, lets just stop and leave each other alone.

2008-11-25T15:09:00.001-06:00

The day's last one-way ticket train pulls in
We smile for the casual closure capturing
There goes the downpour
Here goes my fare thee well

There's really no way to reach me
'Cause I'm already gone

Only so many words that we can say
Spoken upon long-distance melody
This is my hello
This is my goodness

There's really no way to reach me (x3)
'Cause I'm already gone

Maybe in five or ten yours and mine will meet again
Straighten this whole thing out
Maybe then honesty need not be feared as a friend or an enemy
This is the distance
And this is my game face

There's really no way to reach me
Is there really no way to reach me?
Am I already...

So this is your maverick
This is Vienna

2008-11-24T17:45:00.002-06:00

Psalm 38:8

I am feeble and utterly crushed;

I groan in anguish of heart.

2008-11-11T16:51:00.001-06:00

JMraZ posted this today...it made my heart happy

"I'm not the person you want to meet. The music is. And the music is alive in you as much as it is in me. We created it together. Therefore, you already know me. We've already hugged and kissed. We grew close for a moment and then said our goodbyes.

It took my breath away."

2008-11-08T18:33:00.001-06:00

So this weekend has changed my life.I don't know if its good or bad but suddenly I have become a person I never thought I would be. I'm trying so hard to cope with my current situation but that shouldn't be. Something inside me should be telling me one way or the other but right now I'm just indifferent... But I know I'm unhappy. Does that make sense? So right now I'm sitting at chilis eating dinner by myself watching a woman having a baby shower and wishing my life was going somewhere. The one good thing that has come out of this is I have gotten rid of Josh and therefore dropped 10 pounds. A high school couple just walked by.. I think they were on a date. The girl was dressed to the nines and the boy was picking something out of his braces. Its amazing what a bad relationship can do to a person.I always would wonder what happened to my life but I really didn't care as long as I had Josh but now that he is gone I realize that the one thing I defined myself as was Josh's girlfriend and I lost everything that used to define my life like being a daughter a sister an aunt a friend an employee, etc. I made myself a slave to a relationship that drained my life. I know what I want and I hope what I want all go together. I want to be my own boss and my own love. But there is someone that will let me do that and sit next to me and hold my hand the whole way. The question is will he let himself to do it? I think so...

2008-10-23T18:51:00.003-05:00

Not talkin bout a year
No not three or four
I dont want that kind of forever
In my life anymore
Forever always seems
To be around when it begins
But forever never seems
To be around when it ends
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do
From you

People spend so much time
Every single day
Runnin round all over town
Givin their forever away
But no not me
I wont let my forever roam
And now I hope I can find
My forever a home
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do
From you

Like a handless clock with numbers
An infinite of time
No not the forever found
Only in the mind
Forever always seems
To be around when things begin
But forever never seems
To be around when things end
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do
From you

its amazing how much ♥ I can hold in my heart

2008-10-18T23:44:00.006-05:00

I have a tin...a tin that the library gave me when I quit. Inside is little sayings and well wishes for my life. Those ladies I worked with were pretty amazing. I had 5 different moms when I worked there. It WAS filled with the most delicious popcorn you have ever had in your entire life. Popcorn with chocolate and caramel and sugar...it wasn't any kind of Wal-mart tin popcorn with little kitties on it....it was amazing. BUT ANYWAY, this tin is something that I would grab if my house was on fire. It is filled with some of my most secret things. I have decided to do inventory on this tin. I need to throw away a few things in it....they make me mad every time I look at them. They were special to me at one time, but now....they make me want to vomit. Seriously. I'll explain when the time comes.

1.) My most last ever pair of toe-shoes. They have only been worn twice (I think). They are beautiful and remind me of a time when I actually had some passion and innocence in my life.

2.) My acceptance package to Pepperdine. I haven't had the guts to get rid of it. I was smart at one time.

3.) My diploma. I don't want in confusion that I actually graduated college.

4.)Pigling Bland and The Flopsy Bunnies- 2 little paperback books my grandmother, who is now dead gave to me in 1991 when I was 4 to read to my baby dolls.

5.) My hospital bracelet from when I had my boobs taken out on March 12, 2007 to be exact.

6.) My Honor Student Star trophy from 2004-2005. I'm telling you I was pretty smart back in the day.

7.) A carved gord thing with my name in it. I got it in Santa Fe, NM. It's pretty cool.

8.) A whole other box containing little odds and ends:: my 17th birthday candles, a locket my dad gave to me when I was 6, a list from March 29, 2002 saying 10 qualities I want my future husband to have, old high school pictures, an IM from October 22, 2003 sent from a certain boy that loved me, a handmade necklace from the same person that sent me that IM, various cards, and a fortune from a fortune cookie that says, "The world will soon be ready to recieve your talents."

BACK TO THE TIN-

9.) My planner from 2007 and 2006-- random things in them I like to remember. For example::
~On Friday March 30, 2007 I went and saw Blades of Glory

10.) I book that Ellen Riggs made for me, in like 9th grade, full of inside jokes and funny things we would only think funny. (*I just looked at it, and its pretty ridiculous.)

11.) A spiral notebook that I wrote in for about a month when I got my car taken away in 2004. Too many things in there to mention. Just a confusing time in my life.

12.) A frog statue I gave to my sister that she gave back to me...its a long story.

13.) A stack of letters and cards having to do with a certain ex-boyfriend that had sex with his ex-girlfriend on my birthday right after he took me to dinner for my 20th birthday. (I also have a picture that they took at the restaurant of the 2 of us on that very night. Happy Birthday huh?) (VOMIT)

14.) Another stack of cards and letters and pictures having to do with the most recent ex-boyfriend. Someone I should have dumped after the first week. And it was almost a year. And a marriage. OH, and I have a plastic bottle full of sand from a vacation we took together to Destin the weekend he asked me to marry him.(VOMIT)

(Those last two groups of items need to be disposed of.....)

I've been wanting to do that for a long time, I've just never wanted to sit down and catalog what I think is most important to me. The tin also includes loose pictures of my parents and me with my sister and brothers, and random drawings Isabelle and Graeson have done.

Anyway, thats my life....in a tin.(Not a nutshell)

Just in case you were wondering

Sidenote (really):::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Can I just tell you how happy I am today?
My hair is crazy looking and
I am so stinkin happy. The things in that tin
are my past and that is where I want to keep them
(FINALLY).
Whatever happens tomorrow, next year, 5 years from now....
I want to not have to put it in a tin
to remember it.
I want to live it.
I want to be happy that I have it in my hands
and not closed up somewhere. I'm going to make it happen.
I know what I want and I know what I love.
It's a wonderful feeling to know your life is about it begin.
What took me so long?

2008-10-18T23:36:00.003-05:00

I'm mad at you because you jut hit me with all this like a ton of bricks

I'm mad at you because you left.

I'm mad at you because you gave up on me.

on us.

I'm mad at you because you act like its just normal for this to be happening

I'm mad at you because you think that its all going to be perfect

how do you know that

I'm mad at you because you know how I feel about you.

I'm mad at you because I can't say no

and I'm mad at you because

it makes more sense then being happy about it.

even though I am.

2008-09-13T18:01:00.000-05:00

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right, you believe less so you eventually learn to trust yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together"- Marilyn Monroe

I needed to read that today.

2008-08-12T01:22:00.006-05:00

I'm not too sure why I put this picture of some daisies I got this year for Valentine's Day on here....but I did. They are my absolute favorite flower ever. And I received some at work for Valentines Day with a lovely red and white gingham ribbon on the vase....very fitting for a flower such as a daisy. Daisies make me happy.

I go to a shrink. I know I know....me? Go talk to a random person about my life? Yes. I do.

2008-08-11T09:09:00.002-05:00

I want to smirk at you the next time I see you.

I love getting what I want.

But at the same time I feel very sorry for you...I've felt that way before.

2008-08-08T23:13:00.000-05:00

2008-08-07T16:31:00.005-05:00

This was my horoscope on facebook today:

"A big stress will be lifted off your shoulders today and you will finally be able to breathe again."

I'm pretty sure that was the conversation I had this morning.

A lot of stories that people tell and remember, begin with "one night....." Everyone has them....drunken calls and confessions, arguements and talks that seem to define your life, pictures of priceless memories, meals at waffle house with the perfect group of people and kisses that run through your mind at just the right time. It's crazy how many important things happen in the hours of 10 P.M.-5 A.M.

2008-07-21T11:49:00.002-05:00

2005-12-16T09:52:00.000-06:00

2005-12-15T19:19:00.000-06:00

My life is an open book. If you were to ask me anything I would gladly answer it honestly and completely. Its time to get serious. No more of this junk. I'm so over everything having to do with drama and trivial things. Its time to remember what's important in life and embrace it. What's really going to matter in 25 years? Who's really going to matter in 25 years? Who do you want to be with in 25 years? But what the real question is, what do you want to remember in 25 years? I will be 43 in 25 years. Married with kids hopefully and I know some of the things I've done, I'm going to hate to tell my kids. But everything happens for a reason and I guess that stuff happened to make me realize that in order to know what matters, you have to live without for a while...life is beautiful and so are you. I'm in such a good mood...just sharin the love <3